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THE P 



PUBLISHING COMPANY 



SHOEMAKER'S 

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983 Arch Stawet, Philadelphia 



On Account jt& ^ 
& & of the Lobster 



A Farce in One Act 



By Robert C. V. Meyers 



cAutbor of "cA Lady's Note/' "Tell Your Wife/' etc. 




■ > ' > 



; 



i 



PHILADELPHIA 

THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

1 © O 3 



] THE LIBRARY OF 
CONGRESS, 

Two Copies Received 

JUN 26 1303 

Copyright Entry 
<fcLASS ^ XXc, No 
\ COP Y B/ 



" 






Copyright 1903 by The Penn Publishing Company 



On Account of the Lobster 



On Account of the Lobster 



CAST OF CHARACTERS 

Albert Langton, . . who attends the dinner. 

Grace, his wife, who demonstrates the effects of the dinner. 
Fiddler, . . who delivers for a department store. 
Serina, . the maid, who delivers him from a predicament. 



COSTUMES 



Langton. Morning clothes, including lounging jacket ; 
head tied in towel. 

Fiddler. Working suit with cap. 
Grace. White gown and ribbons. 
Serina. Blue stuff frock, cap and apron. 

PROPERTIES 

Six bandboxes ; six chairs ; call bell. 

Time in Representation : — Forty Minutes. 



On Account of the Lobster 



SCENE. — Sitting-room, or parlor. Table ivith bell on it. 
Sofa, two or three armchairs. Entrances, C. and L. 
Window, R. Serin a arranging the room. 

Serina. Such a temper as Mr. Langton is in ! Missus 
says he never can eat lobster without getting a headache, 
and last night he went to a lobster dinner at the club and 
had lobster Newberg, lobster cutlets, lobster salad, and 
lobster every other way. Just like a man. Poor missus, I 
do pity her. 

{Enter Mrs. Langton, l.) 

Mrs. Langton {nervously). Serina, a hat may come 
this morning from the new department store. Mr. Langton 
is not feeling very well, and I'd rather he knew nothing 
about it — he is so nervous. If it should come just carry it 
to my room. It may have arrived already. Go and see, 
please. 

Serina. I think it's not come, ma'am, because Mr. 
Fiddler is the driver in this district for the new store, and 
he's a friend of mine and — and usually asks for me, when 
he calls here. But I'll go and see. 

{Exit Serina, c.) 

Mrs. Langton. I never knew Albert to be in such a 
temper. That lobster he ate last night has a good deal to 
answer for. When I incidentally mentioned that I needed 
a new hat he demanded to know if I wished to ruin him. 

{Enter Langton, l., with head tied up i?i a towel.) 

Langton. You needn't run away from me to escape 

5 



6 ON ACCOUNT OF THE LOBSTER 

common sense talk, Grace. I can't afford a new hat for 
you, don't think of such a thing. I'm not rolling in 
diamonds. And I wish you to distinctly understand that it 
was not the lobster that gave me this headache. Maybe you 
will like to know that I am going to lie down on the library 
couch and must not be disturbed. 

{Exit Langton, l., groaning, with hand to head.) 

Mrs. Langton. Poor dear fellow, he is suffering tor- 
tures. All the same, it is a good thing I thought of hiding 
the hat from him if it should come. By to-morrow he will 
be himself again, and very likely insist upon getting the hat. 
I can do without it, though ; a hat more or less is not worth 
making even temporary trouble over. 

(Enter Serin a, c.) 

Serina. It hasn't arrived, ma'am. 

Mrs. Langton. I have almost decided to tell you to re- 
turn it when it comes, Serina. 

Serina. You always wear such lovely hats, ma'am. I 
suppose the new one is a beauty. 

Mrs. Langton. I may take the white one, Serina, with 
ivory satin drapery and an ostrich plume which reaches 
clear round the brim. 

Serina. How perfectly lovely. It will certainly be- 
come you, ma'am. 

Mrs. Langton. I think it will. I always look well in 
white. At least, I may take the white one, though some of 
the black ones are exquisite. Serina, if it comes take it to 
my room, I shall have the pleasure of trying it on, at any 
rate. (Going l.) By the way, Mr. Langton has gone to 
the library ; he is not to be disturbed. 

(Exit Mrs. Langton, l.) 

Serina. Poor dear missus, if she gets a new hat she 
always gives me the old one. I'd like to see the husband 
that 'd keep me from getting a new hat. It's against 
human nature. (Bell rings. She runs to window.') Oh, 
it's Mr. Fiddler with a lot of boxes. Cook has let him in. I 
do like Fiddler, he's so persistent. 



ON ACCOUNT OF THE LOBSTER 7 

{Enter Fiddler, c, with six bandboxes which he piles up 
on floor, c, front.) 

Fiddler. Ah, there you are, Serina, as blooming as 
ever, only more so. 

Serina. La, Mr. Fiddler, you do say such nice things. 
But you have brought six bandboxes. 

Fiddler. They're all to come here. 

Serina. Missus only wants one hat. 

Fiddler. A lady always tries on a hundred hats before 
she buys one. 

Serina. There's some mistake, I'm sure. Wait. I'll 
speak to missus. 

{Exit Serina, l.) 

Fiddler. She's the tidiest little piece of cambric I ever 
set my eyes on. I'm more in We with her than ever. 
And my only chance to see her is when I leave things at 
this house. I'm glad her missus is a good shopper. {Slaps 
his thigh.} I have it. I'll leave something else here to- 
day, even if I have to do it in mistake, and so I'll get an- 
other glimpse of her. 

{Enter Serina, l. ) 

Serina. It's all right, missus ordered six hats, to make 
a selection. 

Fiddler. If you tried right hard, Serina, couldn't you 
do that ? 

Serina. Do what ? 

Fiddler. Make a selection. {Pointing to himself.) 

Serina. Why, Mr. Fiddler, you're terrible bold. 

Fiddler. Won't you have me? 

Serina. Don't be forever harping on that one tune. 

Fiddler. That's the kind of Fiddler I am, always play- 
ing one tune. That is, unless you have other fellows on the 
string? {Anxiously.) 

Serina. Indeed, I haven't, then. But you'd better 
hurry, this is my busy day. 

Fiddler. Won't you take me, Serina? 

Serina. Yes, to the door. {Marching him off, c.) 

{Enter Langton, l.) 
Langton. Even the library has noises in it, some of the 



8 ON ACCOUNT OF THE LOBSTER 

books are bound in the loudest red I ever saw. My head 
will split ! I'll never eat lobster again as long as I live. 
But I'll not tell Grace. {Walkivig up mid down.') A man 
makes a fool of himself when he owns up too much to his 
wife; 

(Enter Mrs. Langton, l.) 

Mrs. Langton. Dearest, can't I do something for your 
dreadful headache? 

Langton. Yes; remove the cause of it, don't buy a 
new hat. 

Mrs. Langton. What is the use of blaming that poor 
hat ? If it will ease your mind I will not buy it. 

Langton. Your voice is too loud, it makes my head 
throb. 

Mrs. Langton. Then I'll take it for a walk in the air. 
You ought to be ashamed of yourself. And it was the 
lobster. 

{Exit Mrs. Langton, c.) 

Langton. Such a temper ! A wife not to sympathize 
with an afflicted husband! {Seeing bandboxes.) What! 
Six hats ! not one, but six ! She shall give me an explana- 
tion. 

{Exit Langton, c., bumping into Serina, who enters l.) 

Serina. Knocking into a body like that. At any rate, 
I got rid of Fiddler. Fiddler's a lovely man, but I won't 
let him think so all at once. Now I'll take these hats to 
missus's little den. {Gathering up boxes.) My! Fiddler 
quite flustered me. That's what I like about a man, he 
flusters you so. 

{Exit Serina, l., singing.) 

{Enter Mr. and Mrs. Langton, c.) 

Langton. Behold the evidences of your insincerity. 
{Pointing to the place where the boxes ivere piled up.) Why 
— why 

Mrs. Langton. Well? 

Langton. What have you done with them ? 

Mrs. Langton. Done with what ? 



ON ACCOUNT OF THE LOBSTER 9 

LanGtON. You know very well what I meafh You've 
had them spirited away. I saw half a dozen of them. 

Mrs. Langton. Haifa dozen what? 

Langton. Grace, don't try to deceive me. I refuse to 
tell you what I saw — you know very well what I saw. 

Mrs. Langton. You saw too much lobster at dinner 
last night, that is all. 

{Exit Mrs. Langton, l.) 

Langton. Six hats at one fell swoop ! Any milliner to 
sell the wife of one husband six hats at once — I mean, any 

milliner to sell one wife of a man six hats No, I mean, 

any one milliner to sell one Confound it ! I don't 

wonder my head reels at the idea. Six hats ! This is bank- 
ruptcy. {Enter Serin a.) Serina, where are those hats? 

Serina {aside). He's seen them. I'll make believe I 
don't know what he means. 

Langton. Answer me, girl. 

Serina. What do you mean, sir ? 

Langton {grasping her wrist). Where are those six 
bandboxes that were in this room a few minutes ago ? 

Serina. Did you say bandboxes, sir? 

Langton. Did I say fire-proof safes? {Releases her.) 
I will see your mistress. 

{Exit Langton, l.) 

Serina. Poor missus ! I hope she had time to hide the 
boxes. {Bell rings. She runs to window.) If there isn't 
Fiddler ringing our bell again. 

{Enter Mrs. Langton, l.) 

Mrs. Langton {hurriedly). I've hidden them. But 
they shall go back. I haven't bought one of them, only 
sent them home on approval, so I did not tell Albert an un- 
truth. And I did not know they had come. Serina, if Mr. 
Langton says anything about the hats which he must have 
seen arrive 

Langton {outside). Grace ! Grace ! Come here at 
once. 

Mrs. Langton. Now what is the matter? That ter- 
rible lobster. Coming. {Exit Mrs. Langton, l.) 
Coming. 



10 On ACCOUNT OF THE LOBSTER 

Serina. She calls him a lobster. I don't see how a 
woman can call a man a lobster ; it's not human. 

Mrs. Langton {outside). Serina ! 

Serina. Yes, ma'am ! Oh, I hope Fiddler will wait to 
see me. 

{Exit Serina, l.) 

{Enter Fiddler, c, with six chairs, which he arranges in 

a row, front.) 

Fiddler. I've asked Cook to send Serina to me. And 
what a head I've got ! I'm making believe I made a mis- 
take in leaving all those hats, that chairs were what I was to 
deliver. Then I'll come back for the chairs, and leave the 
hats again. Serenest of Serinas, it is all done for you ! 

(Enter Serina, l.) 

Serina. Dear me, is that you, Mr. Fiddler ? And new 
chairs ? 

Fiddler. The hats are to go back — it was a mistake. 

Serina. You can't have the hats just now. They're 
locked up. It wasn't a mistake. I — oh, Mr. Langton is so 
angry. I'll explain another time. 

Fiddler. Explain something else first, explain your feel- 
ing for me, Serina. 

Serina. Really, Mr. Fiddler, I'm that nervous my 
heart's in my mouth. 

Fiddler. Give it to me. I'll take care of it. (Lang- 
ton's voice heard.) 

Serina. Oh, here comes Mr. Langton. He's in a bad 
temper. Come down to the kitchen. 

{Exeunt Serina and Fiddler, c, as ^/^r Langton, l.) 

Langton. Six hats at ojice ! It is suicidal. And de- 
clares she has not bought one. A wife to so deceive a kind, 
gentle husband like me. {Stumbles over one of the chairs.) 
What ! Chairs ! Bought six new chairs besides six new 
hats ? Now she will have to account to me. 

{Exit Langton, l.) 

(Enter Serina and Fiddler, c.) 

Serina. It will never do, Mr. Fiddler. Take those 
chairs away at once. Missus will be terrible angry. 



ON ACCOUNT OF THE LOBSTER II 

Fiddler. For a sight of you, Serina, I'd empty the 
whole store in this room and then come back for it. 

( While he is speaking they gather up the chairs and carry 

them off, c.) 

{Enter Mr. and Mrs. Langton, l.) 

Mrs. Langton. This is beyond endurance, Albert. I 
tell you I never thought of getting new chairs. Where are 
they? 

Langton. Eh ! Eh ! {Looking round.) They were 
here. 

Mrs. Langton. Where are they? I ask you, where 
are those chairs ? 

Langton. I tell you, it was six bandboxes at first, then 
it was six chairs. 

Mrs. Langton. Where are those chairs ? 

Langton. Grace, I wish you to answer me as man to 
man I mean, as wife to husband 

Mrs. Langton. Once for all, Albert, I will not submit 
to this. It all comes of your eating things you know do not 
agree with you. 

Langton. Do you mean to tell me you did not buy six 
hats? 

Mrs. Langton. I never bought six hats at one time in 
all my life. I may have thought of buying one 

Langton. Nor six chairs ? 

Mrs. Langton. I did not. 

Langton (frightenedly). I am going to the library. I 
feel very queer. 

{Exit Langton, l., looking suspiciously back at her.) 

Mrs. Langton (hand to heart). This is serious. What 
does he mean by six chairs ? That lobster must have been 
the most indigestible lobster that ever was born. (Rings bell 
on table.) Serina shall take those hats down to the kitchen 
and have them returned. I certainly do not want a new 
hat now. 

(Enter Serina, c.) 

Serina. Did you ring, ma'am ? 

Mrs. Langton. Take those bandboxes to the kitchen 
and have them returned. (Exit Serina, l.) What did ha 



11 ON ACCOUNT OF THE LOBSTER 

mean by six chairs? I must go to the dear fellow. I'll 
send for the doctor. 

{Enter Fiddler, c.) 

Fiddler. Serina ! I beg your pardon, ma'am. 

Mrs. Langton. Oh, you are the driver who left some 
boxes here ? 

Fiddler. Yes, ma'am. 

Mrs. Langton. You may return them to the store. I 
know you are an acquaintance of Serina' s. Wait a minute, 
she will bring the boxes to you. 

{Exit Mrs. Langton, l.) 

Fiddler. Another chance to see Serina. She shall give 
me her answer. 

{Enter Serina, with boxes, l.) 

Serina. Here they are. In a minute I managed to tell 
missus about the chairs, for I never deceive her. 

Fiddler {taking boxes from her and piling them o?i 
floor). And now, Serina, answer me — will you be Mrs. 
Fiddler ? 

Serina. Oh, this is so sudden. 

Fiddler (frowning). Come, answer me, I'm delaying 
the firm's business. 

Serina. I must say, Mr. Fiddler, that of all the persist- 
ent, flurrying men I ever knew {Bell rings.) 

That's Mrs. Langton's bell. She must have a message for 
you to take to the store. 

{Exit Serina, l.) 

Fiddler. She won't answer me. Then I won't take the 
boxes, but will come for them again, when she shall answer 
me. {Angrily.) 

{Exit Fiddler, c.) 
{Enter, cautiously, Langton, l. Comes front, sees boxes.) 

Langton {with shriek). The bandboxes ! No chairs ! 
My brain has turned. Are these boxes a vision, too? I 
am ill — I am ill. I want my wife. Grace ! Grace 1 

(Langton totters off, l.) 



ON ACCOUNT OF THE LOBSTER 1 3 

{Enter Fiddler, c.) 

Fiddler. I'd better take 'em, though the firm won't like 
it. Confound women's dilly-dallying ! {Takes boxes off, 
C, as enter Serina, l.) 

Serina. There he goes. And we've gotten rid of the 
boxes. Missus sees the fun of it now, and she'll teach Mr. 
Langton a lesson. Dear me, what a lot I've learnt about 
husbands this morning. I'll make Mr. Fiddler a good wife. 

(Enter Mr. and Mrs. Langton, l.) 

Langton. What I No bandboxes ? 

Mrs. Langton. Of course not, dear. I see none. 

Langton. Are you sure ? 

Mrs. Langton. I certainly am. 

Langton. And there are not six new chairs here ? 

Mrs. Langton. Certainly not. 

Langton. Serina, do you see any bandboxes or new- 
chairs here ? 

Serina. Not one, sir. 

Langton {sinking into chair). Send for the doctor — ■ 
send for the doctor, at once. 

Mrs. Langton. This comes of eating lobster at night. 

Langton {starting up). Woman, do not contradict a 
dying man. It was not the lobster. 

{Exit Langton feebly, l.) 

Mrs. Langton {laughing). It is scarcely fair, but it 
will not harm him. Though it has gone far enough. I'll 
go and tell him about the chairs, but not about the hats — the 
truth shall be broken to him gradually. 

{Exit Mrs. Langton, l.) 

Serina. Well, I know exactly how to deal with a can- 
tankerous husband now. 

{Enter Fiddler, c, with the boxes which he deposits on 

the floor.) 

Fiddler. No, I won't take 'em back before I get my 
answer. 

Serina. Yes, you will, then. 



14 ON ACCOUNT OF THE LOBSTER 

Fiddler. I will not. Now, then. 

Serina. Mr. Fiddler, take those boxes away. 

Fiddler. I will not. 

Serina. Do you mean to say you refuse to do what I 
ask you to do ? 

Fiddler. Do what I ask you to do first — promise to 
marry me. 

Serina. Take those boxes away. 

Fiddler. Promise to marry me first. 

Serina. Maybe I'll promise if you take those boxes 
away. 

Fiddler. Promise first. 

Serina. I will not. 

Fiddler. Then they stay here. 

Serina. That settles it. You don't know how to treat 
a wife. 

Fiddler. You don't know how to treat a husband. 

Serina. You're not human. (Crying.') You're — you're 
a lobster. 

Fiddler. A lobster! — you call me a lobster? That 
settles that. Good-bye, forever, Miss Serina French. 
(Gathering up boxes, when enter Mr. and Mrs. Lang- 

TON, L.) 

Langton. You've taken a load off my mind, Grace. 
I'm glad there really were six chairs here. But {See- 
ing Fiddler with boxes.) The bandboxes ! And a man ! 
Are they a vision ? Is he a man ? (Flies at Fiddler, 
who drops boxes and grapples with him. Mrs. Langton 
and Serina separate them.) 

Mrs. Langton. For shame, Albert, for shame. 

Langton. The man is real, the bandboxes are real. 

Serina. Don't dare to touch him, Mr. Langton. He is 
Mr. Fiddler, driver for the new department store and my 
accepted husband. 

Fiddler. Serina! (Puts his arm around her.) 

Mrs. Langton. And these boxes hold hats which I had 
sent to me on approval. I did not buy a single hat, only 
wanted to select one. You were in such a bad temper when 
they came 

Langton (tearing towel from his head). Grace, you 
make a new man of me. They are real bandboxes and they 
were real chairs. My headache is gone. And a hat ! 
Take them all, buy the whole half dozen of them. I have 



ON ACCOUNT OF THE LOBSTER 15 

treated you shamefully. It was all my ridiculous headache. 
Take all the hats you want. 

Mrs, Langton. Thanks, dear. I only want one at a 
time — the fashions change every week. But you've got to 
confess one thing — what gave you headache and a bad 
temper ? — was it the hats ? 

Langton. My dear, I am so happy to know that my 
brain is all right that I will own up — it was the lobster. 

(Langton, Mrs. Langton, Serina, Fiddler.) 
curtain 



N 25 1903 



Practical Elocution 




By J. W. Shoemaker, A. M. 

300 pages 
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General principles and practical processes are pre- 
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The work includes a systematic treatment of Gesture 
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and bodily movement, a brief system of Gymnastics 
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teachers. 

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